Missed the previous installment? Here it is.
Time once again to revisit our favorite CW-esque magical drama fanfic. We’re traveling deeper into Malfoy Manor, and I can’t think of a better drink to try than the Slytherin House, based on the house that the Malfoys seem to be sorted into every generation.
Image credit: Mashable, “15 Magical Harry Potter Cocktails to Charm Your Palate”
As stated before, I’m going with virgin drinks for this volume in the trilogy, so I had to substitute a few ingredients. But let’s follow directions before we get crazy.
Muddle mint leaves, limes, rum, and sugar in a shaker until the sugar dissolves.
So much for following directions. I don’t have a shaker, but it worked out in your favor, reader. You can see my muddling action through a single photo still. And like a dumbass, I forgot to add the “rum” before snapping this picture.
Here’s a tip to would-be professional photographers: Don’t catch yourself in a reflection. Since I aspire to continue being an amateur photographer, I’ll ignore this advice.
The alcohol substitution guide from What’s Cooking America listed apple cider flavored with almond extract as a replacement for rum, which was one of the reasons why I made it not too long ago. However, it doesn’t state how much of the extract is needed. I took a chance and added 1/4 teaspoon almond extract to the jigger and filled the rest with apple cider until I had an ounce.
Strain into champagne flute. No shaker, but I do have a cocktail strainer. Look at that, it even fits over the glass, all snug and tight.
Add champagne. Fortunately, champagne is easy enough to substitute with the same amount of sparkling white grape juice.
Garnish with a mint. Which I didn’t do, but the drink didn’t fall apart without it. The brown specks are spices from the homemade apple cider. The original version of the drink may be a sparkling amber spectacle to behold.
As for the taste? Not bad! Ten times better than my attempt at making the virgin Harry Potter for the previous installment. The lime is just enough to enhance the grape, and along with the apple cider, it creates a mild tartness that tickles the inner cheek. The sweetness is not overpowering and kind of rides under the other flavors, adding a nectarous ending to every sip. It was one of those non-alcoholic drinks that made me feel like I was treating myself to the real deal, except without the buzz.
In fact, this virgin Slytherin House is so delicious, I think it’ll get me through this next chapter.
Chapter Six: The Boy Who Sulked
We rejoin our—wait, really? The Boy Who Sulked? We’re going to run right into the hardcore Harry bashing this early, huh?
Anyway, we rejoin our heroes as Draco and Hermione scramble inside the wardrobe and Harry quickly magics the broken window back into one piece. He quickly returns to his bound position on the bed just as Lucius barges in.
Lucius, in full angry dad mode, demands to know why the magically bound boy didn’t open the door. He releases Harry from the spell, never catching on that the spell is no longer in effect. He then orders Not-Draco down to the dungeons with him, leaving Hermione and Real Draco to engage in either another argument or an out-of-place makeout session in the near future. Place your bets.
In the wardrobe, Hermione and Draco realize that Harry has gone off to do Lucius’s bidding. For whatever reason, this surprises Draco, who launches into a colorful tirade that “impresses” Hermione. “It would never have occurred to her that you could do that with a broomstick.” Please, girl, you’re a teenager; you’ve heard more descriptive phrases at Hogwarts, I’m sure. J.K. Rowling just couldn’t write about them.
Hermione gets Draco back on track.
In what way?
Draco explains that the wardrobe locks from the outside and is protected against any opening spells. In fact, it made an extreme time-out corner for a younger Draco when he misbehaved. Lucius may have taken advantage of it quite a bit if Draco’s personality is any indication.
Oh, shut uuuuuuuup!
Draco lights up his wand so she can see his snide expression. He lays it down for her: Harry is pissed at the idea of mortal enemy #2 rescuing him… and he’s jealous.
Hermione is absolutely clueless. Really. She asks Draco what Harry could be jealous about. But Draco won’t play into her mindlessness. He knows what she wants to hear, but is this the way to do it?
Even a squishy feeling?
Riding along with the feelings motif, Draco tells her that while he’s aware of Harry’s, he still has his own. Hermione asks him what he feels. This gives the young Malfoy pause, and he carefully considers the question, rolling it through the streams of the thoughts he shares with Harry, weighing the repercussions of breaking down his defenses.
“Obscurely disappointed,” Hermione fetches Harry’s bag. She brought along chocolate frogs, butterbeer, and pickles. Draco states that he’s “hungry, not pregnant,” which I disagree with. I’m not pregnant, either, but that sounds like a pretty good snack spread. Then again, I did enjoy popcorn ice cream and fried pickles. Not together, but I’m up for that challenge.
In the drawing-room, Harry is being led into the underground by Lucius. He avoids touching anything as his “lack of Malfoy blood” might set off more alarms. But now that I think about it, what exactly does Clare mean by Malfoy blood? Is it the actual vascular system fluid or is it consanguinity? How are family relationships magically detected? Either way, wouldn’t Harry inhabiting a form similar to Draco’s still have some Malfoy essence? Or did all that change along with their scents?
Ugh. Moving along with the elder Malfoy and the imposter, we find them arriving at Sirius’s cell in the dungeon. Lucius mocks his growling prisoner, saying “It’s nice to see that you’re proud of the fact that you’ve been an Animagus so long you can no longer speak like a human being.” Which would be clever if you ignore the fact that Wormtail was a rat for twelve years and Sirius has been a dog for maybe a few months.
Lucius pulls up his left sleeve, revealing a tattoo in the shape of the Dark Mark, which is a skull vomiting a serpent design bestowed upon Voldemort’s followers. As the kids say, it’s pretty metal. That itself is a Rowling original, but this… this has to be Clare’s contribution…
What, the Dark Lord couldn’t spring for walkie-talkie tattoos with high fidelity? I’m sorry, but the imagery of a badass snake-and-serpent tattoo jawing with a low-quality audio effect makes me laugh, and not in a “this is amusing or clever” way.
Wormtail and Macnair had dumped Sirius into the dungeon before but are now been unable to reach the dungeons as they don’t have any Malfoy blood. Sloppy writing aside, you’d think Lucius Malfoy would remember that, having grown up in a manor designed specifically to service anyone of his bloodline. The sloppy-thinking patriarch goes to fetch his cohorts, leaving Harry to watch Sirius.
Safely alone, Harry tries to explain to Sirius who he really is, but the prisoner has already figured it out. Being a dog, he recognized Harry’s scent… Here we go again with the switching scent thing. Anyway, Harry provides the rundown of events so far, including when Sirius himself got roughed up and Narcissa fainted. I didn’t think Sirius would need to have that explained to him, seeing how he was there, but storytelling and all that.
This leads to Sirius reminiscing about Narcissa Malfoy, née Hardesty (actually née Black in the official material), the most popular girl at Hogwarts back in the day. During her last year at school, she became engaged to Lucius. No one knew why, but I bet we’ll get an explanation soon enough. I’m guessing mind control of some sort.
The two hash out an escape plan. Sirius implores Harry to be careful. His being imprisoned wasn’t only so the baddies could get their kicks; Lucius wanted Sirius as bait. Once Harry was captured, Voldemort would be summoned, and he would then perform the dreaded Lacertus Curse… of which I can’t find anything in the Harry Potter wikis. I’m going to assume that it has to do with lacerations.
They hush up at the sound of a gate opening. In strolls Lucius, Wormtail, and Macnair.
LUCIUS: I’m going to perform a handstand.
The three men hold out their wands and metal hand, and with a dominus vocare, they summon the Dark Lord himself. No-Nose doesn’t seem too enthused to listen to his followers. Who would be? Lucius speaks in “an unctuous ingratiating voice,” and Wormtail is practically squirming in his spot as he tells Voldemort that they have Sirius.
Voldie’s reaction is, “oh, yeah, you do have him.” Harry feels the same stabbing in his forehead that would occur with his scar. The scar that Draco has in Harry’s form, which isn’t present on Draco’s form. I could waste so much time nitpicking the sloppiness of the whole switcharoo scheme, and I just might if I don’t catch myself. I know it’s too easy, but some of these discrepancies are so dumb I can’t help but point them out.
Before disappear… ating… the image of Voldemort spots Harry-as-Draco. “He has the look of you, Lucius. When he is old enough, you will bring him to me?” I hope that’s an innocent intention. As innocent as Dark Magic can be, anyway.
Lucius guides Harry out of the dungeon, his hand on the boy’s shoulder in a fatherly gesture. The idea of sending his boy to do questionable training under a malicious entity that he would literally kill for makes him so proud.
And now a musical interlude.
*drops some smooth R&B beats*
So we’re heading back
To check up on Hermione and Draco
Getting drunk on butterbeer
And maybe sharing deep secrets
While they wait for Harry
To return
Apparently, Hermione had brought along
Enough butterbeer to imbibe
To the point of drunkenness
That was one heavy-ass backpack
Unless she magicked it somehow
To carry all those provisions
Hermoine’s getting all cozy and clingy
Saying she’s going to miss Draco
When he’s halfway friendly
Draco’s going to miss the loyalty
Because Crabbe and Goyle
Are total psychopaths
And totally stupid
And would probably eat poison
If Draco told them to
But now the question hanging
In the stuffy air
Is will they go back to being enemies?
The answer is: Probably
Then Hermione gets really close
Leaning her head on his shoulder
She can make out his profile
In the wand light
Like she can’t get any bolder
And then she says…
If that sounded clunky, out of place, and stupid
Well, you’re not wrong
It’s one of the “borrowed” passages
That Clare sneakily inserted
Throughout her magnum opus
If you want to read more
Here’s the original passage
From Tanith Lee’s Magritte’s Secret Agent
Which I got from The Cassandra Clare Plagiarism Debacle article
On Fanlore.org:
With that out of the way
Let’s get the obligatory
Makeout session underway
Hermione kisses his cheek
Draco looks down at her
Hermione kisses him again
This time on mouth
He grabs her by the shoulders
And he kisses her back
She’s getting all “zingy”
She smells that damn pepper scent
Along with “lime juice” and “cold night air”
Which is an odd combination
But what-the-hell-ever
They make out in the wardrobe
Glom another in the wardrobe
Get stupid in the wardrobe
Roll around in the wardrobe
Knock around in the wardrobe
Nearly demolish the wardrobe
Then Harry opens the wardrobe
We next see Hermione watching the two boys coming up with a plan before we quickly flashback to the briefest moment after Harry discovered his best gal friend snogging his bitter enemy. Harry is giving Hermione more than the cold shoulder; he’s giving her an iceberg’s worth of shoulders. (Okay, that does sound a little weird.) He also seems “convinced that the person who [is] at fault here [is] Hermione.” Makes sense as she was the only one making out with herself. Tcch.
A tenuous plan involving Harry and Draco is in place and Harry is eager to execute it. But what about Hermoine? Harry coldly suggests, “Let’s lock her in the wardrobe.” Cripes, man, just spit in her face to show how you really feel.
Whoa, asshole, she’s not owed to you. But Hermoine takes her (and my) aggression out on the Boy Who Bitched by slapping him hard across the face. I know this is neurotically dramatic fiction, but that was satisfying… and part of me kind of worries if this is how Clare views romance and relationships.
Just as soon as their tempers flare, they mellow. Now it’s time for a heart-to-heart about how Hermione is borderline insane for liking a boy who once called her a Mudblood, tried to get Hagrid imprisoned at Azkaban, and whose father got Ron’s father fired from the Ministry of Magic. Hermione, like a good heart-stricken damsel, insists that Draco is different, Polyjuice or no.
Harry knows differently and demonstrates with a pair of spiders.
Harry hadn’t practiced Dark Magic in his life, so the fact that this is coming naturally to him horrifies Hermione. She understands “how miserable he was” and her heart is “being shredded,” and she’d promised herself she wouldn’t “feel guilty about kissing Draco” even though that part was never mentioned in the text, and she doesn’t owe Harry anything and he probably doesn’t like her anymore and all kinds of other female feelings because it’s that kind of fanfic and blah blah BLAH.
Just as Hermione resolves to get everything sorted out, Harry pulls a complete 180 and feels like he can’t help Sirius in any way. “What if I suddenly go all mad and evil? And what if the spell won’t ever come off?”
Draco steps in to talk some sense into Harry, but the Boy Who Moped isn’t having it.
Strange how Draco had never seen a movie in his life but knows something about 1970s Hanna-Barbera cartoons. Also, Harry, you dingnut, it was one time.
Running out of time, the kids take off. Harry takes a moment to whisper at Draco, “She only likes you because you look like me.”
Zing?
Using a combination of Draco’s memories and the crude map, the trio navigates their way safely through the dungeon. Although he doesn’t seem up to small talk, Harry mentions to Draco that their mothers went to school together and that Narcissa knew Sirius. This surprises Draco, as his mother had never mentioned Sirius. When you consider how whipped she is by Lucius, do you think she could mention any male from her past in his presence and not suffer some consequence?
Hermione could be picking up information to use later from this discussion, but she’s in distressed female mode, dwelling on what had happened earlier. This goes into some detail about how she’d kissed Ron during their fifth year, but his cold feet led to her declaration that they would just go back to being friends. Then she reminisces about Viktor the transfer student (from The Goblet of Fire), whom she dated only to make Harry jealous. She failed on that part and didn’t even fool him into thinking that she was into Viktor at all. To add salt to the wound, she wasn’t even Harry’s “thing he would miss the most” prize during the Triwizard Tournament. She was Viktor’s “thing” he’d miss the most, though, which you’d think would make her appreciate that at least one boy in the world would miss her terribly.
There’s a time in every guy-lusting girl goes through a boy-crazy stage, but this is excessive. I can’t really pin this on Clare, though. Teenagers do act like this in real life. It’s the fact that it helps oversaturate the sopping wet rag of drama that gets on my nerves.
How much more of this do I have to endure? What page am I on? Let’s see, page 74… I have 133 pages left?! I’m not even halfway through! I think I may be driven to drink before this book is done.
The trio finds the dungeon entrance and Draco lets them through. Harry leads them to Sirius’s cell where he whispers urgently for his friend.
I’ll admit, that was pretty intense.
Hermione finally shows her cojones and brains. She quickly apologizes to Lucius for the intrusion and introduces herself as Mandy Brocklehurst, Draco’s girlfriend. Mandy is a half-blood witch from the first book and is purportedly in the movie version, albeit named Amanda. In Clare’s work, she’s from a long line of wizard blue bloods.
Hermione fudges a story about how she didn’t believe that the Malfoys possessed one of the biggest dungeons in the country and she convinced him to take her down into the depths to settle the argument. Lucius is perplexed by the whole situation, and Hermione’s sudden tearful outburst makes it uncomfortable for him. This is probably the one time I’ll accept Hermione getting emotional because it’s actually helping Team Polyjuiced.
She sniffingly adds that she’d wanted to see proof that the great wizard Lucius had captured Sirius Black. The ego stroking pleases Lucius, who helpfully informs her that Sirius has been moved to another cell.
Okay, I did chuckle here.
Things take a turn for the creepy as Lucius offers a chance to get better acquainted with “Mandy.” Even worse, he invites his own son to come along if he wishes, which doesn’t set off screaming alarms at all. But we’ll have to see his true intentions in the next chapter.
Prep Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Cleanup
