Draco Sinister: Chapter 1

Missed the prep article? Here it is.

 

A small serving bowl of Leaky Cauldron soup and a browned pretzel bun.

 

Before jumping in, let’s have ourselves something warm and comforting and maybe a little… pungent.

Here is a small sampling of the cleverly named Leek-y Cauldron Soup from MuggleNet. The recipe calls for a pretzel bun to be cored and turned into a bowl for the soup. It would have been perfect… except the buns I bought weren’t very big. I wasn’t confident in my abilities to bowl-ize a bun, and why bother spooning a few lumps of soup into such a small space? (Yes, I could have made my own pretzel buns, but that was one more recipe and I was feeling lazy.)

Size really wasn’t a factor here. You could eat only a ketchup cup of this soup and still have the flavors sitting on your tongue for hours. It’s like an onion soup dressed up in cream.

As the name mentions, leeks are the main ingredient. This was my first time cooking them. The only edible part is the white bulb that makes up maybe ten percent of the whole vegetable. While I appreciate their delicate flavor, I don’t like the waste they leave. Though I suppose next time I could throw them under a tree and let the rabbits at them.

The ingredient that stands out the most? Bacon. There’s so much bacon that spoonfuls provide more bacon taste than anything else. The potato adds some texture in an otherwise mostly liquid dish. The half and half adds richness while helping the chicken stock blend everything. The chicken stock is only there to turn the meal into a soup; otherwise, you’d be spooning super loaded mashed potatoes.

As for the chives, I kind of overdid them. Chives are just a smidgen more pungent than leeks. They are an optional ingredient, but since they’re another type of onion, I’d skip them next time.

Preparing this soup was a challenge. The instructions called for a lot of stirring. I swear, this blog doubles as an exercise blog; I should change the subtitle to “Where Every Recipe Makes It Arms Day.” Other than the work put into the preparation, it is an enjoyable soup, maybe something enjoyed with a pint and a bigger bread bowl.

Pour yourself a bowl—pretzel or otherwise—and let’s sit down for another helping of The Draco Trilogy.

 

What better way to start this off than with a disclaimer?

 

A rather long disclaimer noting that the fanfiction presented here is based on works of fiction and copyrighted to J.K. Rowling and other related parties. Of particular note is passage: This work contains quotes from various books, films, TV shows and movies, including but not limited to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obscure British comedies, and Milton. The quotes are footnoted at the end of each chapter but if you note anything I've missed, drop me a line and I'll add it. - Additionally, the Author's Notes say that this fanfiction is in an alternate universe, written in the year following Goblet of Fire and 'posits a universe in which Sirius is still alive, and so is Dumbledore; Fudge remains Minister of Magic, Luna Lovegood does not exist, Blaise Zambini is a girl, Ginny's full name is Virginia, and so on.' - The editor of this PDF has stated that they've made grammatical and spelling corrections, included pictures from the original PDFs, and 'all quote references that Cassie made were put in a separate section at the end of the story rather than at the end of each chapter.'

 

What’s different this time around is the editor’s notes. No, Clare didn’t get an editor to immortalize her opus. What we’re reading is a PDF recompiled by one of her fans back in the day. As of this posting, Jillian Liu’s LiveJournal is still online, but it hasn’t been updated since 2009. If you follow the links on her profile, you’ll find that she was part of the LJ groups draco_trilogy and dracotrilogy. Both haven’t seen activity since around 2009.

It’s also interesting to note that through allmyloveismine’s profile, down in the friends section, you’ll find a user named blackholly. This is none other than YA author Holly Black, whom Clare befriended and—if the rumors are true—the main reason she landed a literary agent, proving once again that success in any creative industry is not about your hard work and talent, but who you know.

Anyway.

 

Chapter 1: Bad Dreams

 

And again, the same dream: death and blood and terror. He lay in the mud on a battlefield, and all around him were scenes out of nightmare: goblins with sharp swords ran past him, carrying the decapitated heads of wizards in their fists; screaming giants tore men limb from limb with the force of their arms, and scattered the severed parts over the field like ghastly confetti. Everywhere were the screams of the dying and the dead. And blood, so much blood, he was covered in it. - A black horse reared up over him, pawing the sky with its hooves. It was riderless, but carried a banner: a silver dragon on a background of black. He covered his face with his arms as the sharp hooves came down--

 

Draco wakes up from a nightmare, sick and sweaty. Pretty surprising for a kid who grew up around tapestries playing ghoulish battles. Watching bloodshed while getting stomped on by a murderous equine would probably be one of his better dreams.

But having it on rerun is distressing him. Dreams of this sort have been plaguing Draco since he left Hogwarts for Magid School. Hoping for the aid of a sympathetic ear… or a sympathetic eye… he begins writing a letter to Hermione. He’s ruled out his mother and soon-to-be stepfather, Narcissa and Sirius. The lovebirds are enjoying their rekindled romance on a pre-wedding vacation in Greece, so you know they’re gonna be busy. And the sooner you forget that they’re first cousins in the official canon, the easier you’ll digest this subplot.

Draco has also ruled out Harry because… guy code or something? I don’t know. You’d think swapping physiques via transmogrifying potion would bring them a little closer together. Emotionally, I mean. Not even the threat of becoming related through marriage can do that for Draco, so Harry’s still out.

Pop Malfoy is also ruled out as he’s permanently checked into the loony bin for magic folk, or as it’s officially called, St. Mungo’s Treatment Center for the Criminally Insane (not Magical Maladies as stated in the first installment and the official material). It’s good that the old man finally got a room there, as madness runs in the family. You’d think other wizards would avoid a famously crazy family like the Malfoys, even if those pockets run deeper than the Mariana Trench. But I guess witches be crazy.

His mind frenzied from the nightmare, Draco finds it impossible to write. He crumples up the blank paper and throws it out the window. To hide the evidence, I suppose.

He returns to bed, staring at the ceiling, because inviting another opportunity for nightmares would do him a world of good.

Later on…

 

Dear Hermione, Thanks for writing me so soon--it was great having a letter waiting for me when I arrived, and tell Mrs. Weasley that I appreciate the sweater she sent, even though it's boiling hot here, and the fudge as well, even though Drago ate it without asking.

 

HARRY: Tell the third wheel I appreciate his mother’s gift. I’d write him myself but guy code states to forget all male friends once I’ve partnered with a girl.

 

Hermione is reading Harry’s letter with all the giddiness of a girl in the first throes of long distance love. Harry’s account further exposits that Hogwarts 2.0 is Godric Gryffindor’s fortress and their only class so far has focused on controlling emotions. If you remember from the previous installment, it was revealed that Harry and Draco are direct descandants of Godric and Salazar Slytherin, respectively, and thus super wizards or Magids.

In true fanfic form, Harry the former original hero needs a lot of work whereas the bully heartthrob Draco is in perfect form. They’re stuck together over the summer since Malfoy Manor is crawling with Aurors investigating Lucius’s evil headquarters. Narcissa and Sirius’s wedding is set for August 15th, by the way. I’m bringing a Cuisinart coffee maker. I’m sure they’d enjoy it, unless there’s a capulusa charm wizards abuse. (That’s “coffee” in Latin. Google Translate said so.)

If the idea of enduring more Draco snark is already giving you a headache, Harry has some good news: Professor Lupin is teaching at the school. Just as Dumbledore gave him a job at Hogwarts, he saw fit to give the werewolf a job at the Magid school. Seeing how Hogwarts is a respected institution and the role of Head Master carries some weight, you’d think that Dumbledore would use his influence to convince other wizards to give Lupin another shot. Oh, well, Rowling decreed that every new instructor get kicked out by the end of the school year, and the competent ones are no exception.

Fleur Delacour is also among the cast in this installment. At eighteen years of age, her super powers had just manifested, but she’s now a Magid student at nineteen. As a late bloomer myself, I sympathize… until I realize she’s part veela, just like Draco. She’s been given more edges than a multi blade razor.

Interestingly, Harry assumes that “Magid stuff is a lot more common among people with veela ancestry.” If that’s the case, shouldn’t Draco’s lineage be dotted with Magids? Veela populate the portraits in the manor. Or did it only increase the chances of Magid “stuff” showing up in Draco? But new info and backstory are usually created for succeeding volumes in a trilogy or series. Sorry, I’m just used to nitpicking at this point.

Anyway, Hermione finishes the letter and tucks it away for repeat reading. Ginny Weasley, who’s sitting across the breakfast table from her, asks for the news before being disturbed by Ron’s owl, Pigwidgeon. I gotta stop here, because Pig is legitimately cute. In Prisoner of Azkaban, Sirius had gifted Pig to Ron after Scabbers the rat turned out to be Peter Pettigrew. Here, Pig is spilling coffee and being an adorable little nuisance.

Anyway, as stated, Hermione folds up Harry’s letter in full view of Ginny Weasley, who’s sitting across the table from her and doesn’t harbor any ill will toward Hermione at all for winning Harry’s heart.

 

'What does Harry say, Hermione? Is everything all right?' - 'Of course it is, he's fine,' said Hermione. 'And he said to say hi to you.'

 

Ginny is all blushes and flustery feelings seeing how she’s “still retained the vestiges of her terrible crush on Harry” but it “genuinely happy for Hermione.” Yes, as genuinely happy as someone still harboring vestiges of a terrible crush can be. I’m certain there won’t be any resentment or passive aggressive comments in the future.

Ron is reading his own letter from Harry (probably goes something like “Hey bloke, School’s great. Draco’s a sod. Tell Hermione I love her to the end of the earth and back and nobody will ever replace her by my side. Harry”). He mentions Fleur, who was dating Percy Weasley at one point. The relationship has swung to the “off” side of their on-again, off-again deal. This has Hermione fuming.

 

She did not like the idea of an unattached Fleur being anywhere within ten miles of Harry. Or Draco. Although Drago was part-veela himself and could probably fight her off better than Harry could. Also, it was non of her business what Drago did, she thought to herself, but really... he could do better than Fleur, she just knew he could.

 

Girl, you made your choice in the first book. Accept it. No backsies.

*sigh* Of course she won’t, because this fanfic is rigged.

Hermione picks up another letter, this one from someone she hasn’t heard from in a long time: Viktor Krum. Not only is the star Quidditch player checking in with Hermione, he also has something important to tell her at the Leaky Cauldron. Something so important, it couldn’t possibly be revealed in a private letter. It’s so suspicious that she makes plans to meet up with him.

Why not make a special trip of it? Girls’ day out! They’ll get some coffee and shop and make underhanded comments about each other’s hair. It’ll be a bonding experience! But first, Hermione needs to compose letters to Harry and Draco.

Clare takes this time to describe the Weasleys’ residence, a hodgepodge of structurally questionable wood and brick fondly called the Burrow. While the books describe it as possibly violating every building regulation in England, there’s kind of a charm to it. A cozy, sloppy interlocking puzzle of rooms that provide a haven for Harry when he’s not living at 4 Privet Drive. Even the readers fell in love with it.

But in the trilogy, it could have had an upgrade. The twins, Fred and George, have used their new wealth to add new rooms to the Burrow. In fact, “the house now looked more like a lopsided birthday cake than ever.” I get being emotionally attached to a place you’ve lived in or built yourself, but wouldn’t it make financial sense to move into a bigger place? Or remodel the house? Well, hey, magic exists in this world, why not use magic to improve the house? Is magic taxed—ugh, no, I’m putting too much thought into this.

Hermione gets to writing her letter to Harry. But like most lovestruck youngsters, she finds the words impossible to set down on paper.

 

She wasn't very good at writing love letters, but she wanted to be a bit more affectionate than 'dear'. Especially if he was hanging around with Fleur. Couldn't hurt to remind him exactly whose Harry he was.

 

HERMIONE: Mine, all mine, he’s divested of all autonomy, all mine forever…

 

She tries a couple of endearing terms before settling on “Dearest Harry,” then scribbles out the rest of the letter before moving on to Draco’s note.

 

HERMIONE: “Dear Draco, Thoughts of you fill my very core with tender warmth, making my inner thighs swell with the tiniest of trembles that build up into the most pleasurable of releases. You make me so happy to be a woman. Hope you’re doing well. Yours in lust, Hermione.”

 

Running downstairs to send off the mail, she nearly runs right into Ron. The near collision gives him an opportunity to point out a piece of jewelry around Hermione’s neck. It’s none other than Draco’s Epicyclical Charm. If you forgot what it was from the previous installment, I envy you so much. Clare-Potterverse Lucius Malfoy had constructed the fiendish jewelry from one of Draco’s baby teeth and some life force magical bullshit. It’s technically a kill switch for Draco, and one of the means that Lucius used to keep Narcissa from running off. After the big showdown near the Bottomless Pit, Draco entrusted its safety to Hermione. It’s also a homing device, providing convenience for characters later down the road.

Ron is quite surprised by this revelation. The Epicyclical Charm is such a vital part to Draco’s very existence. What if Hermione dropped it or forgot it?

 

'Ron!' Hermione glared at him. 'Like I'd ever do that. Anyway, Dumbledore put some charms on it, so it can't be lost or misplaced or damaged. I can't even take it off, and no one else can take it off me except either Dumbledore or Draco himself. It's charmed that way.'

 

HERMIONE: And don’t even bring up the fact that I was seconds away from throwing it into the Bottomless Pit in the first book!

 

So the charm is safe, semi-permanently fused to Hermione’s person through magical means, thanks to Dumbledore. Let’s not question why a grown wizard would magick something so severely on a minor witch, or why only two people in the world can remove it from her body. The smartest witch in this generation and the Head Master can’t trust her… wait, I just remembered this is the Clare-Potterverse Hermoine. She’d probably stomp on the jewelry the moment Draco pissed her off.

Anyway, with this future plot point or convenience set up, Hermione goes to Ginny so they can Floo over to Diagon Alley

Leaving the girls alone for now, let’s check out mail call at the Dumbledore School for Super Wizards Who Can Magic Good. Harry and Draco receive their letters in the students’ hall during lunch. So, wait… is this the same day or the next day? Regardless, that delivery owl must be pounding some kind of energy pellets.

Hermione, being an “eminently fair girl,” has written letters to both her flame and her raging inferno. Harry’s letter is fastened to one owl leg with a red ribbon, and Draco’s has a green ribbon.

 

Harry occasionally wished that she would send him maybe two letters for every one she sent Draco, just to make a point, but that wasn't in Hermione's nature to do. She was a scrupulous sort of person.

 

Nah, her nature is to openly flirt with the guy she claims to not like in an effort to make her One And Only jealous. I can’t tell if Clare has forgotten that blatant detail from her first work or if she’s rewriting her version of Hermione to be “an eminently fair” young lady. (Expect that phrase to come up again; it’s stuck in my brain folds like stew meat digging between molars.)

Draco gets his letter, skims it, then tucks it away. Harry, being so trusting of his girlfriend, would pay “a sackful of Galleons” to read that letter.

 

She was his girlfriend. She loved him. Right?

 

If you have to question, then it’s either not true love, or you’re dealing with some major insecurities. But it wouldn’t be a proper fanfic without raging doubts and jealousy disguised as true love.

But Harry needn’t worry (too much). Draco has his own lady problems, and they’re collectively named Fleur Delacour. The French student from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic has always been drawn to good looks and money, and flirting is one of her main hobbies. Despite this shallowness, she does seem to take an interest in her education, so long as she has a good time doing it. That good time includes worming her way into most of Draco’s daily routine and digging up info—and she did it from the start, asking about his last name. “Malfoy […] I know that name, that is a French name. Is your family French?”

Strangely enough, it kind of is. Rowling derived Malfoy from the Old French “mal” meaning bad or evil, and “foi” meaning faith or trust.

Tuck away that bit of trivia as a bleach rinse for this next part:

 

'You are part-vela, are you not?' Fleur continued. 'I am as well. I am sure we are related, I have brothers who look just like you. I take one look at you across the hall and think to myself, 'That is a beautiful boy, he must be related to me!''

 

All I can say is that I’m glad Clare didn’t explore that what-if.

When I mentioned that Fleur has wormed her way into Draco’s routine, I wasn’t kidding. Clare writes “Draco rarely went anywhere these days without Fleur tagging along at his heels.” (Getting her teeth kicked in as she attempts to kiss his feet, I’m sure.) So if lack of contractions, apostrophes in place of consonants, and other attempts to describe accents grate on your nerves, get used to having a mental cheese grater against your head whenever Fleur opens her mouth.

Back in the present, with Draco and Fleur in their “effective mutual admiration society,” Harry seems to be left on his own with thoughts of Hermione and the possibility that she could leave him at any moment. He quickly opens the letter.

 

Dearest Harry, I can't write much because I'm rushing off to London, but I'll send you another letter later, by Pig. Ron and the Weasleys are fine. Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have gone off to the seaside for a romantic holiday, and Fred and George are in Hogsmeade at the joke shop, so it's just me and Ron and of course Ginny, who is back from France and sends her love.

 

HERMIONE: But you better not take it, if you know what’s good for you. Tell Draco I said hi.

 

She also mentions making plans to see Viktor. Harry’s self-fulfilling prophecy has a catalyst. Wearing his discomfort on his face has drawn Draco and Fleur’s grinning mugs.

 

'What's wrong, 'Arry?' said Fleur with cheerful concern. ''As your girlfriend left you for someone else? Is she pregnant?' - The letter flew out of Harry's hands. 'What?' he sputtered. 'That's ridiculous. How would she be pregnant?' - Fleur and Drago both grinned at him. - 'Perhaps now is the time to have that talk about the facts of life, Potter,' said Draco, still grinning. - Bugger, thought Harry, I walked right into this one. 'Shut up, Malfoy,' he said. 'I already know all about sex, thanks.'

 

Sometimes I want to get into the heads of Clare’s readers in the Aughts. Were they giggling like crazy when they read this stuff? Did they think they were in on some grownup joke? Did they accept these versions of their beloved characters? I gotta be honest, if I’d been part of this fandom around that time, I probably would have eaten up this stuff, too… and that does concern me a little.

 

'That is reassuring to hear,' said a voice at Harry's elbow. - Harry spun around to see Professor Lupin standing behind him, a faint smile on his face.

 

Thank the writing gods. My favorite lycanthrope walks in to save us from try-hard sex jokes. If only this would turn into a Professor Lupin fanfic… actually, I’ve read descriptions for some of those, I take that back.

Clare describes Lupin’s fresh appearance through Harry’s eyes, which makes Harry sound like he’s occupied with others’ looks—except Hermione’s. He notes how Lupin “seems to have fewer lines on his face” despite being “very brown from the summer sunshine.” Even Draco and Fleur, paler than blind cave salamanders, have that sun-baked look from the Irish sun. You know, Ireland, the sunbathing destination for visitors the world over?

All this implied hotness and what does Harry get? Just a few freckles across his nose. Bet you they won’t get brought up again.

Anyway, Lupin has come around to fetch Harry and Draco for a plot point that doesn’t involve Fleur. She’s miffed at being left out, especially after Draco simply says “See you later.” If you were a true gentleman, Draco, you would have propped up a mirror in front of her. Then she’d have all the companionship she wants.

The trio head to the boys’ dorm room, “a large stone room, big enough to house six or seven boys, although Harry and Draco were its only occupants.” Kind of a waste of space for just two people. For that matter, the whole castle sounds like a waste of space. Was the world crawling with Magids ages ago? They couldn’t have been that rare.

I change my mind. With all that space, Draco and Harry would probably be up to some dueling roommates antics, such as pushing their belongings to the far opposites of the room. If things get really heated, I guess they can draw a magical line in the middle of the room. Sitcomiosa!

Lupin spots Salazar Slytherin’s sword (say that three times fast). He’s under instructions from Dumbledore to examine the artifact.

 

Draco shrugged. 'If you like.' He frowned. 'But your hands--' - 'The sword burns non-Magid humans,' said Lupin calmly. 'Being a werewolf, I should be able to touch it.'

 

LUPIN: “Should” being the operative word, but what’s life without a dare every now and then?

 

'Oh, yeah, the werewolf thing,' said Draco, with candid interest. 'That must really suck.'

 

About as much as it sucks having your filicide-loving father incarcerated, you thoughtless git.

Because this simple action requires a whole paragraph, Draco retrieves the sword from his trunk and walks across the room and hands it to Lupin as opposed to throwing it like a javelin.

 

Lupin turned the blade over, running his thin, flexible fingers along it.

 

LUPIN: Augh! Oh! Bugger, I should have done the flat side!

 

Lupin casts indicio and writing in the metal appears: Descensus averno facilis est. Translation: “Easy is the Descent Into Hell,” which is about one half of the “Easy is the Descent” header for Part Two in City of Bones. I’m telling you folks, you’re witnessing the gestation period of The Mortal Instruments.

As an aside, I couldn’t find the Latin root for indicio, but my Latin sucks to begin with. Interestingly, it is a Spanish word with multiple meanings including evidence, indication, manifestation, and sign. So… points for smarts?

 

'That's cheerful,' said Harry. - 'Are you sure it doesn't mean 'have a nice day'?' said Draco hopefully. 'Or 'this sword is worth a lot of money'?'

 

I’m starting a snark jar. Anything snarky or outright obnoxious gets twenty-five cents. How many so far? I’ll say four, so I have a whole buck already.

 

'Or 'I belong to a massive git'?' suggested Harry.

 

Twenty-five more cents.

Unperturbed by this enlightening discourse, Lupin asks Draco to keep the sword for further observation.

 

'Go ahead,' said Draco, who was now looking at the sword with suspicion. 'But no running in the hallway!' he added as Lupin turned to leave. 'That thing is sharp.'

 

An extra fifty cents and a jaw massage for the sudden pain I have from gritting my teeth.

Mean-damn-while, in Diagon Alley, Hermione and Ginny are pressed for coffee time with Krum. I’d care more about this development, but my mind is wandering to casual dining trends in the late 1990s and early 2000s. Was coffee as big then as it is now in the UK?

 

Ginny cast a sideways glance at Hermione, who was looking very smart and pretty in a short red coat. She seemed slightly nervous, as Ginny supposed she would be too if she was going to meet someone she hadn't seen in two years, who had once been violently in love with her and for all anyone knew, might still be. Of course, as far as Ginny knew no one had ever been violently in love with her. Not Harry, who she still loved... not anyone.

 

“Violently in love.” This would be poetic from a more experienced writer, but this is Cassandra Clare, who thinks angry outbursts between couples is a sign of devoted love. It also makes me think of someone so obsessed with their target that they want to crawl inside their skin… ugh.

Upon approaching the Leaky Cauldron, a nervous Hermione pleads with Ginny to accompany her. Inside the nearly empty pub, they’re caught off guard by a familiar human mountain. Viktor! And what a dream boat he still is after all these years.

 

The passage of two years hadn't changed Viktor Krum's dark, gloomy appearance much. If anything, it had made him slightly craggier; he towered over Hermione and Ginny, glowering down at them from under beetling black eyebrows.

 

Ah, y’know, I shouldn’t judge. He’s a kind soul, and once he opens up, he’s very likable.

 

'Herm-my-own-ninny' he said again, 'I vont to talk to you." He glanced significantly at Ginny. 'Alone.'

 

Except for here.

Viktor is adamant that he get Hermione alone. Ginny, for whatever reason, thinks this means that she has to leave Hermione behind. “She won’t be able to get back on her own!” she claims. What, does nobody keep Floo powder on their person in case of an emergency?

But Hermione assures Ginny that she’ll be fine. Just five minutes in a small room, behind a locked door, with the towering sports figure. This gives the Weasley girl some time alone with her thoughts.

 

She didn't know what Krum wanted to say to Hermione, but from his expression, it was hardly good news. In her opinion, Hermione never should have agreed to meet him, he hardly seemed trustworthy and then there was Harry to consider. If Harry was her boyfriend, Ginny thought she would never... no, she told herself, squelch that thought! Never going to happen.

 

Just as Ginny is entertaining a miserable life without the speccy boy toy, Hermione bursts out of another door. She grasps Ginny’s hands in “freezing cold” hands and implores her to return to the Burrow. Whatever Viktor told her, it’s convinced Hermione to stay at the Leaky Cauldron longer. Ginny barely questions the situation, once again leaving Hermione alone with the suspicious Krum as she follows the order.

I’m calling it. This is a kidnapping. Knowing wizards’ common sense in the Potterverse, Ginny would probably be made leader of the search team.

Mean-diddly-while, Draco is awoken by someone shaking his shoulder. Thinking it’s Harry, he starts demanding answers, only to find a pair of yellow-veined red eyes glaring at him through the darkness.

Draco throws himself out of bed. In the darkness, he can’t make out much more the intruder, but it appears to be the “size of a dog” and crouching at the end of the bed. Dogs come in various sizes, Clare. Are we talking a stompable teacup-sized fluff or a mastiff that would require a football team to overpower?

(American or British football. Doesn’t matter.)

Attempting to find a weapon to use against the vaguely sized menace, Draco scrambles for his sword in the trunk. Just as he remembers that Lupin now has it, Harry comes to the rescue with a lumos. The light from the wand scares the creature, who immediately cowers.

 

'Don't hurt me!' it shouted, in perfectly recognizable English, although its voice sounded less like a human voice and more like a bonfire crackling words. 'Please don't hurt me!'

 

Oh, no. If this is Dobby 2.0, I’m quitting right now and doing a Ruth Ellen Church dip recipe.

Fortunately, we’re in luck.

 

The whatever-it-was was about the size of a dog, with gray, scaled skin and a perfectly round, earless head. It had no nose either, and its mouth was a long slit. It was holding up two gray, long-fingered hands in entreaty.

 

Again, what size? A miniature defeated by purses or a giant you need to restrain on a tungsten chain lead?

Harry calms the Dobby-Voldemort hybrid. Still somewhat terrified, the creature states its purpose: “I have come here only for what is mine. […] My other half! […] For many years, it was hidden from me. And then I began to sense it had returned to the world.”

 

'What is it, exactly, this other half of yours?' asked Draco. 'I mean, you look pretty complete to me, not missing any bits or parts, unless you count that you don't have any ears, I supposed. Is it an ear you're looking for?'

 

It’s not quite snark, but I’m still putting twenty-five cents in the jar.

 

The creature glared at him with contempt. 'You are a very stupid mortal boy,' it said, 'and if I had my other half and my full powers, I would eat you.'

 

You know what, Dobbymort? You’re okay. You’re okay even as you’re throwing a shitfit and pummeling Draco’s pillow.

 

'Well, did you try looking under the sofa in HELL?' yelled Draco, who was looking fed up.

 

Motherfucker, that’s a lifted line! The superscript 1 beside the quotation mark proves it! Twenty-five cents.

I’m sure you’ve figured out that the demon—come on, you figured that out as well—is looking for the sword. Wanting to hold on to his inheritance, Draco tries a ruse on the creature.

 

'There are no otherworldly or demonic objects in this room,' he told it, which was true enough. 'Unless you count Potter, I've always had my suspicions about him, but you're welcome to him if you want him.'

 

Twenty-five cents. I could buy a gourmet chocolate bar by the end of this chapter.

 

The demon glanced at Harry without much interest. 'The Potter boy is of no concern to me,' he said. - 'Hey!' yelled Harry, who was used to being the focal point of world events, and felt slighted.

 

Man, I barely felt Clare’s disdain for Harry just now.

The demon begins tearing up the room like a coked out rock star. Rather than do the smart thing and banish the entity right damn now, Harry thinks it would be “better to convince it we haven’t got the thing, otherwise it’ll just come back.”

I’m no demonologist, but isn’t that the point of banishing, to drive away the entity and guarantee its permanent absence? Unless this is a weak “time out” kind of banishment you were taught, Harry.

I think I’m starting to understand why Clare’s fanfics were considered just as good if not better than Rowling’s books: They possessed the same kind of plot contrivances, withholding of information, plot holes, and general lack of common sense and numbskullery that moved the original stories along. Gads, this is making me dislike the original series.

Draco agrees to go along with Harry’s stupidity.

 

'Fine,' said Draco. 'But if it tears up any of my clothes, it's out of here.'

 

Change of plans. A quarter in the jar anytime I read something I don’t like. *clink*

Mean-frickety-while, Ron is berating Ginny for leaving Hermoine behind, as if Hermoine doesn’t possess some kind of agency and is capable is making her own stupid decisions. Just as the arguments becomes more heated, who should show up but Hermione herself.

 

'I told you she was fine,' said Ginny, who was nevertheless extremely relieved to see her. She turned to Hermione. 'You are all right, aren't you?' - 'Of course I'm all right,' said Hermione calmly. 'Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to go upstairs for a moment. I'll be right back.'

 

So Hermione calmly walks upstairs, calmly comes back down with an overnight bag, calmly walks past Ron, and calmly announces her plans to spend a few days with Viktor.

 

'Have you lost your mind?' said Ron. - 'What about Harry?' protested Ginny.

 

GINNY: Can I spend a few days with him in turn?

 

Ron begs Hermione to reconsider. If this is a way to get back at Harry for something, he suggests another way. Yes, he suggests his best friends sink deeper into whatever argument he’s imagined for them. What a pal.

 

'He most decidedly will NOT understand,' said Ron. 'Hermione, sit down, please. Are you angry with Harry? Did he do something? Are you trying to get back at him? In which case, I beg you to get back at him some other way. Ginny, help me out.' - 'You could have an affair with Ron,' suggested Ginny helpfully. 'That'd upset Harry.' - 'Thanks, Gin,' said Ron, shooting her a look of death.

 

*snerk* Okay, that was worth it.

 

'This has nothing to do with him,' she said. 'This is just something I have to do. Will you two calm down? I'll be back in a few days.' - 'A few... days?' said Ron faintly. - 'Well, if you're just going to overreact like this, maybe I won't come back at all!' snapped Hermione, turned on her heel, and slammed open the screen door.

 

Cripes, Ron, why did you act out like that?

The Weasley kids run after her, only to find Hermione wrapping her arms around Viktor’s waist as they sail up into the night sky.

 

HERMIONE: Not so fast—*huuurk*

 

Ron tells Ginny to get Pigwidgeon to send a letter to “Mum and Dad—and Hermione’s parents—” As if that tiny owl can manage two different letters in a short matter of time. Dammit, wizards, haven’t you ever heard of phones? How about a spell to send a telepathic message? What about that face-in-the-fireplace communication thing?

Ginny says she can’t get Pigwidgeon. “He’s gone […] I think Hermione sent him off already with a letter.” I guess she sensed it as they were running after Hermione through the yard.

Let’s cut to the future recipient of the Dear John letter. Sleep-deprived Harry and Draco are standing outside Lupin’s office door, debating whether to tell a capable adult of anything going wrong, as goddamned usual in this universe. The demon has left, vowing to return for its other half.

 

DEMON: I’m going to get me a cuppa and maybe a case of donuts while I’m out. You kids want anything?

 

Harry wants to tell Lupin about the demon, seeing how the professor is a werewolf and “used to all this Dark Magic type stuff.” Draco is opposed, claiming that Lupin will “feel morally bound to do something about it.”

 

'We can't tell him there are demons in our bedroom anyway,' said Harry. 'We can tell him there was a demon in our bedroom. Just one.'

 

Just the one. It’s not like demons are known to attract hordes of their own kind to cause more mayhem. Precaution, what’s that?

 

'I think teachers are required to regard even one demon in the dormitory as an administrative problem,' said Draco. 'Then to one he goes right to Dumbledore.'

 

Ten to one the old man leaves it all up to the kids to solve on their own. I’m getting tired of bringing that up, but I feel it’s necessary.

 

'So what if he does, Malfoy?' snapped Harry. 'You're just afraid he'll take your toy sword away.'

 

For an author favorite, you’re kind of dumb, Draco.

 

'What the hell do you think it was after? Your socks? Your collection of hair care products? Oh, wait, it doesn't have any hair! You want to know why? Because it's a DEMON!'

 

At this point, I’d empty out my wallet into the jar, but the cobwebs in there pad it out, and I kind of like the illusion of being loaded. *clink*

The boys finally head in. Lupin is reading The Daily Prophet at his desk, waiting patiently with a smile.

 

'I was wondering if you were planning on coming in or if you were just going to stand outside the door and fight with each other all morning,' he said.

 

Please, Clare, don’t mess up this character. He is balm for the chafe spread throughout this work.

Lupin gets down to business. The sword that had been passed down through generations of Malfoys isn’t only a Magid sword…

 

'This sword is what is known as a demon blade. You can kill absolutely anything with it: demons, vampires, immortal monsters, even the risen dead.' - 'Great,' said Draco. 'That'll be a lot of fun at parties. 'Hi, my name is Draco Malfoy and I can kill absolutely anything, what can YOU do?''

 

What do you mean it’s “great,” you overly mordant moron? You grew up with animated tapestries replaying gory battles. How the hell is this any different? Having a demon blade would make you the most awesome person in the room! It might even make up for your lack of a concrete personality.

But Lupin is quick to deny any party tricks with the weapon. Draco immediately throws a hissy fit most unbecoming of a young man. The professor doesn’t cave in. When he meant that the blade is demonic in nature, he meant it for real. The blade itself is a demon.

Damn! Forget being the most awesome person at the parties. Awesome people would be going to your place and asking if you’ll throw parties right then and there.

Lupin must keep the sword and perform more tests. (“And is it less evil if you keep it in your office?”) Much like in the Malfoy residence, the sword will be kept behind adamantine glass, a type of material “that resists most types of magical interference, and is very nearly unbreakable.” I’d gripe about how this sounds like it was lifted from standard tabletop RPG elements, but a lot of fantasy stories lift material from RPGs. They’re a cornucopia of inspiration.

Now Lupin, being a responsible adult who nevertheless respects a maturing young adult’s agency, asks Harry if there was something they needed to discuss. And Harry, being an amateur young adult who can’t seem to fathom that bringing in an experienced wizard to solve these problems may provide convenience in his already fractured life, just replies, “No, Professor Lupin. Nothing.”

 

'Oooh,' said Draco, as they left Lupin's office and headed off down the hall, 'You lied to a teacher Potter. And with a totally straight face, too. Pretty soon you'll be turning into me.' - 'Been there,' said Harry. 'Done that.'

 

I’ll gripe, but I’ll also give Clare credit when she’s clever.

The boys are interrupted by a harried Pigwidgeon. The little owl delivers the letter, and now I’m wondering how big exactly Pig is in relation to the letters he has to carry.

But what’s the importance of animals’ comfort in the face of a new corner in this relationship polygon? Harry’s face drains of color when he reads the letter.

 

'She's gone off to spend the summer with Viktor Krum,' said Harry blankly, still staring at the letter. 'In Bulgaria. She says she realizes she's really loved him all these years.' He looked up at Draco with the expression of someone caught in a horrible dream. 'She's... she's breaking up with me.'

 

DRACO: That’s awful! Say, how about some post-breakup shenanigans concerning a sword retrieval to lift your spirits, huh?

 

Snark Jar: $3

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